The S.N.L. veteran and star of NBC’s Parks and Recreation—who next month will co-host the Golden Globes for the third consecutive year—now offers life advice in Yes Please. Here, the author reflects on Atticus Finch, her children, and Doritos.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? A good nap and a full house.
What is your greatest fear? That I take this questionnaire too seriously and reveal my crimes and misdemeanors, or I treat this questionnaire too flippantly and bring shame to the House of Proust.
Which historical figure do you most identify with? Cap’n Crunch.
Which living person do you most admire? Beyoncé/Beyoncé’s hair person.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Stealing from the elderly and then acting real cocky about it.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? People who can’t read my mind.
What is your greatest extravagance? Baby tuxedos, caviar pajamas, coal-powered private jets.
What is your favorite journey? When my hard head takes the high road.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Symmetry.
On what occasion do you lie? Don’t worry about it.
What do you dislike most about your appearance? My adorable but useless tail.
Which living person do you most despise? Margaret. She knows what she did.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Care to swing?”
What is your greatest regret? The time I met Prince and asked him, “How was your summer?”
What or who is the greatest love of your life? Doritos and my children.
When and where were you happiest? Here and now.
Which talent would you most like to have? The ability to do one lousy pull-up.
What is your current state of mind? New York.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would change myself into 50 percent robot, in order to prepare for the inevitable robot apocalypse.
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? I would stop my children from growing up so fast.
What do you consider your greatest achievement? Figuring out how to send a group text.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Carol Channing.
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be? Channing Tatum.
What is your most treasured possession? A beautiful ring I stole off some lady at a hospital. Ha-ha! It was so easy!
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Having to listen to someone describe their workout.
Where would you like to live? In Batman’s Lair with my two boys.
What is your favorite occupation? Teacher.
What is your most marked characteristic? My laugh, once described as “the sound a raven makes when run over with a shopping cart.”
What is the quality you most like in a man? Broad shoulders.
What is the quality you most like in a woman? Broad soldiers.
What do you most value in your friends? A love of laughter and a shared belief that life is a dream.
Who are your favorite writers? Kurt Vonnegut, Anne Lamott, Dolly Parton. Anyone who has ever worked for Norman Lear.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Atticus Finch.
Who are your heroes in real life? Firefighters and orphans.
What are your favorite names? Archie and Abel.
What is it that you most dislike? Retirement communities with top-notch security systems.
How would you like to die? Performing a daring rescue caught on tape.
What is your motto? “Yes please.”