Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey make an opening speech at the 91st Academy Awards on February 24, 2019.
Tina Fey: Good evening, and welcome to the one-millionth Academy Awards. We are not your hosts, but we’re gonna stand here a little too long so that the people who get USA Today tomorrow will think that we hosted.
Maya Rudolph: That’s great. That’s great. So just a quick update for everybody, in case you’re confused. There is no host tonight; there won’t be a popular movie category, and Mexico is not paying for the wall.
Amy Poehler: That’s right. And we won’t be doing awards during the commercials, but we will be presenting commercials during the awards. So if all the winners could please say, ‘Hellmann’s mayonnaise — we’re on the side of food,’ instead of your speeches, that would be great.
Fey: Again, we’re not your hosts this year, but if we had hosted, it probably would have gone like this.
Rudolph: I’m Freddie Mercury.
Poehler: Well, I’m The Wife.
Fey: Buster Scruggs? I hardly know her!
Rudolph: Hey, Chadwick Boseman. Wakanda plans you got later?
Poehler: These Spanx are so tight they’ve entered my spider-verse.
Rudolph: I’m Sam Elliott for Sam Elliott mustache wax.
Fey: Roma’s on Netflix? What’s next, my microwave makes a movie?
Rudolph: And don’t worry, Bradley, after four kids, I, too, have peed myself at the Grammys.
Fey: Yes, now everyone look under your seats! You’re all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival! But we’re not gonna do any of that.
Poehler: No, we’re not doing any of that. We are here to present the award for outstanding supporting actress. Although in my experience, all actresses are outstanding supporting actresses because women naturally support each other. For example — yes — that’s very, very true. For example, I support both of you financially.
Rudolph and Fey: Yes.
Fey: And I hold your boobs while you jog.
Rudolph: And Tina, I dub all your dialogue internationally.