2015 Golden Globe Awards (Monologue)

2015 Golden Globe Awards (Monologue)

Amy Poehler and Tina Fey host the 72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards on January 11, 2015.

[Tina Fey]
Good evening and welcome you bunch of despicable spoiled minimally talented brats.

[Amy Poehler]
Yes! We are so happy to be here hosting the 72nd and final Golden Globe Awards.

[Tina Fey]
We got it. Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows that we know and love as well as all the movies that North Korea was okay with.

[Amy Poehler]
That’s right. The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony Pictures released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.

[Tina Fey]
North Korea referred to The Interview as “absolutely intolerable” and “a wanton act of terror.” Even more amazing: not the worst review the movie got.

[Amy Poehler]
So who’s here tonight, Tina? So many great stars.

[Tina Fey]
So many good stars. Oprah is here. Yes! She has put a cranberry candle under all of your seats.

[Amy Poehler]
Reese Witherspoon is here, so great in the movie Wild. She did all of her own walking. So brave. And Andy Serkis was great as her backpack.

[Tina Fey]
J.K. Simmons is here, or as Matthew McConaughey calls him, “Just keep’ Simmons.” Christoph Waltz and Amy Adams are here. They were so great in Big Eyes.

[Amy Poehler]
Yes, they were. And in fact, one of those famous Big Eyes paintings is on display tonight. Let’s check it out. (Camera pans to Emma Stone.) So lifelike.

[Tina Fey]
It’s cute but it’s creepy.

[Amy Poehler]
Yeah, the eyes do follow you. Patricia Arquette is here. So wonderful in the film Boyhood. Boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40, as long as you get hired when you’re under 40.

[Tina Fey]
Joaquin Phoenix is nominated for Inherent Vice but obviously he isn’t here tonight because he’s said publicly that awards shows are quote “total and utter bulls–” oh hey, Joaquin! There he is.

[Amy Poehler]
Steve Carell is here tonight for Foxcatcher. In Foxcatcher, Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire. The role was a stretch for Carell, who in real life is a paranoid, murderous millionaire.

[Tina Fey]
Steve Carell’s Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on, including his hairstyling and makeup. Just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as Human Woman.

[Amy Poehler]
Frances McDormand is here. Frances, can I just say, I love you. You are the only person in this room that I would save in a fire.

[Tina Fey]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus is here because she’s obsessed with me. Ok. We’re not friends. We’re not friends.

[Amy Poehler]
Jennifer Aniston is here, nominated for the film Cake. And, we should explain to all the people in the room, the Hollywood people: cake is like, a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays.

[Tina Fey]
Oh, and birthdays are a thing that people celebrate when they admit that they have aged. You know what else is weird? So many British actors played Americans this year.

[Amy Poehler]
Yes, and I for one don’t mind it. I love the sound of a British actor doing an American accent. I like when they talk like this. I can’t tell that they’re British when they’re speaking in our movie parts. Wes Anderson is here for the movie Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.

[Tina Fey]
George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an adviser to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award. So stupid.

[Amy Poehler]
Hollywood. Hollywood. Of course, George Clooney is here to receive the prestigious Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. Or is he?

[Tina Fey]
I don’t know. You’ve been pranking a lot of people for 25 years.

[Amy Poehler]
Who knows? Perhaps you’re about to be Cecil B. DeBURNT.

[Amy Poehler]
Anyway, since this is the last time that we’re hosting, Tina and I wanted to very quickly play one of our favorite games.

[Tina Fey]
Amy and I have been friends for almost 50 years and the secret of our long-lasting friendship is that we have absolutely no overlap in our taste in men.

[Amy Poehler]
No, we never think the same man is attractive. And we’ll prove it right now by doing what you’re all doing at home: playing a game of Who’d You Rather? Just real quick.

[Tina Fey]
So, real quick. Would you rather: Colin Farrell or Colin Firth?

[Amy Poehler]
Okay. Farrell, all day.

[Tina Fey]
Firth, for a polite amount of time.

[Amy Poehler]
Okay, Tina, next: Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo?

[Tina Fey]
Which one was the Hulk?

[Amy Poehler]
Both of them.

[Tina Fey]
Shoot. Okay, I’ll take Norton because he’s, like, method, and he could act like he’s into it.

[Amy Poehler]
I’ll take Mark, because everyone knows I like it Ruffalo. Ok. Let’s see. Ok. Chris Pine, or –

[Tina Fey]
CHRIS PINE. I’m sorry, was that too loud? Was that too loud?

[Amy Poehler]
Ok. Moving on.

[Tina Fey]
Richard Linklater or Alejandro Inarritu?

[Amy Poehler]
I’m gonna say Inarritu. One take, two hours straight, no stopping.

[Tina Fey]
No, see? Linklater. Five minutes, once a year. You know what? Let’s talk about these great movies.

[Tina Fey & Amy Poehler (Together)]
We never agree. We never agree.

[Tina Fey]
But you know what? Let’s talk about these great movies.

[Amy Poehler]
Yes. The Theory of Everything. Wonderful movie this year. It combines the two things that audiences love: a cripping nerve disease and super-complicated math.

[Tina Fey]
Selma. In the 1960s thousands of Black people from all over America came together with one common goal: to form Sly and the Family Stone. But the movie Selma is about the American civil rights movement, that totally worked and now everything is fine. Gone Girl was a real big hit this year.

[Amy Poehler]
Yeah, Gone Girl. I don’t know, Tina, I didn’t like Gone Girl. I go to the movies to escape, I don’t wanna just see myself up there on the screen.

[Tina Fey]
Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl that he’s actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called “Girl, I Thought You Were Gone.”

[Amy Poehler]
Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep. Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe.

[Tina Fey]
Amy, have you ever done any Sondheim?

[Amy Poehler]
[singing] No I haven’t, but I could, anybody can.

[Tina Fey]
[singing] Into the Woods. It’s a weird word to sing, I’m not going to lie to you.

[Amy Poehler]
In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.

[Tina Fey]
Actually, um, I don’t know if you guys say this on the news today. But Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him. Cosby admitted to a reporter [imitation of Cosby]: “I put the pills in the people. The people did not want the pills in them.”

[Amy Poehler]
No, Tina, that, hey, that’s not right. That’s not right. It’s more like, [imitating Cosby]: “I got the pills and the bathrobe and I put them in the people.”

[Tina Fey]
You’re right. It’s got to be like: “I put the pills in the hoagie.”

[Amy Poehler]
That’s it. That’s fair. But finally, Tina, let’s talk about television.

[Tina Fey]
I’m being told that we are running out of time. Our apologies, television. You got bumped. Come back tomorrow.

[Amy Poehler]
So let’s get started — are you guys ready to have some fun tonight?