Amy Poehler and Tina Fey host the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards on January 12, 2014.
[Amy Poehler]
Good evening, I’m Amy Poehler.[Tina Fey]
And I’m Tina Fey. Welcome to the 71st annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels The Butler Golden Globe Awards.[Amy Poehler]
Thank you. A very good evening to everyone here in the room and to all the women and gay men watching at home.[Tina Fey]
We are so happy to be back. We are hosting the Golden Globes for our second time. Thank you.[Amy Poehler]
Thank you.[Tina Fey]
Because this is Hollywood, and if something kind of works they’ll just keep doing it until everybody hates it.[Amy Poehler]
Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight, from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofor to the stunning Lupita N’yongo to American treasure Tam Hunks. Damn it! I knew I was gonna screw that up.[Tina Fey]
Folks at home, you would not believe the high wattage mega A-list stars we are looking at right now. I mean, no offense to the movies and nominees last year, but this year is legit.[Amy Poehler]
This one’s good. This year’s good, this year’s good.[Tina Fey]
It goes right to the top.[Amy Poehler]
We’ve got Bradley Cooper, Julia Roberts, Emma Roberts, Leonardo DiCaprio, Meryl Streep.[Tina Fey]
Whoa whoa – what about Redford?[Amy Poehler]
Right![Tina Fey]
Right? It goes Amy Adams, Sandra Bullock, Tom Hanks, Redford, June Squibb and then, like, Mr. Bean for international stuff.[Amy Poehler]
Well, if we’re gonna play by European rules, it’s everyone in this room and then Jean-Claude Van Damme.[Tina Fey]
You’re right. The point is there are so many stars in this room tonight, it’s hard not to be overwhelmed.[Amy Poehler]
Yes, Matt Damon is here, from Behind the Candelabra. Where are you, Matt? Matt, on any other night in any other room you would be a big deal, but tonight, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.[Tina Fey]
I mean, Meryl Streep is here – yeah. Meryl Streep is so brilliant in August: Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.[Amy Poehler]
Martin Scorsese is here. Uh, Marty, I forgot to tell you that Bobby says hi. And then the other Bobby – Bobby and Bobby say hi. And then Danny. Danny and Bobby and Bobby say hi. Danny wants me to say hi to you, Marty. And Bobby and Bobby as well, ok?[Tina Fey]
Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle. Interesting trivia, the original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.[Tina Fey]
Who else? Um?[Amy Poehler]
Who else is here?[Tina Fey]
Amy Poehler is nominated for her work on Parks and Recreation.[Amy Poehler]
I believe Amy is here tonight – can we get a shot of her? [Jennifer Lawrence in camera frame] She looks fantastic.[Tina Fey]
She looks amazing.[Amy Poehler]
Wow, radiant! It is hard to believe she is a 42-year-old mother of two![Tina Fey]
True. Although I hear Amy’s a little difficult to work with.[Amy Poehler]
Oh yeah, she’s a straight-up bitch.[Tina Fey]
Our friend Julia Louis-Dreyfus has two nominations tonight. One for Veep, and for her first film nomination for Enough Said.[Amy Poehler]
Interestingly, Julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight. Hi, Julia.[Tina Fey]
Hi, Julia.[Amy Poehler]
You know us from TV. Hi.[Tina Fey]
Hi, hi, hi, Julia, Julia.[Amy Poehler]
God, she’s really changed.[Tina Fey]
She’s gross.[Amy Poehler]
Woody Allen is the recipient of this year’s Cecil B. Demille Award, just a few years after Martin Scorsese won it. I assume the award is for tiniest man with the biggest glasses.[Tina Fey]
Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.[Amy Poehler]
Before earning a Golden Globe nomination for his first-ever acting role in Captain Phillips, Barkhad Abdi was working as a limousine driver in Minnesota. And um…there’s such a beautiful life lesson here, everyone: Sleep with your limo driver tonight. Before he gets famous.[Tina Fey]
One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her –[Tina Fey]
Yes, which yes – which takes place – takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix.[Amy Poehler]
Uh, Tina, I was in that movie, too. I was the voice of the computer.[Tina Fey]
No, Amy, that was Scarlett Johansson.[Amy Poehler]
Was it?[Tina Fey]
It was.[Amy Poehler]
If you say so.[Tina Fey]
Matthew McConaughey did amazing work this year. For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds or what actresses call being in a movie.[Amy Poehler]
The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight, and yes! I really loved the film, but some of it was too graphic. If I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.[Tina Fey]
Jonah Hill actually used a prosthetic penis in The Wolf of Wall Street, so you have that to look forward to the next time you eat at Planet Hollywood.[Amy Poehler]
A number of big movies used prosthetic genitals this year. Blue is the Warmest Colour, The Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks. Yes! A lot of people don’t know, Tom Hanks was wearing one the whole time. He’s wearing one right now – he’s really enjoying it. Look it, look it, he’s so happy about it.[Tina Fey]
The Wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the F-word 506 times in three hours, which is a new record – unless you count my dad trying to hang some curtain rods in our living room.[Amy Poehler]
One of the most nominated films this year is 12 Years a Slave. I loved 12 Years a Slave, and I can honestly say, after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again.[Tina Fey]
Wait, how were you looking at…?[Amy Poehler]
And what a year for television. A lot of the nominated shows tonight are actually on Netflix this year – House of Cards, Orange Is the New Black. Enjoy it while it lasts, Netflix, because you’re not gonna be feeling so smug in a couple of years when Snapchat is up here accepting best drama.[Tina Fey]
The beautiful Kerry Washington is here. She’s expecting – she’s expecting her first child later this year.[Amy Poehler]
Oh my god, is it President Fitz’s?[Tina Fey]
Probably. I thought Amanda was carrying his baby![Tina Fey & Amy Poehler (Together)]
Scandal![Amy Poehler]
Many of our SNL friends did great work this year – Will Forte, Andy Samberg. You might know Andy Samberg from his hit song I’m On A Boat, which was this year adapted into the Tom Hanks film, Captain Phillips.[Amy Poehler]
Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.[Tina Fey]
The Blacklist is who’s invited to my room tonight. I’m talking to you, Somali pirates. I am the captain now. I am the captain now.[Amy Poehler]
Okay, so let’s get this party started. Ladies, kick off your shoes; gentlemen, try them on and see how horrible they are.[Tina Fey]
We’re going to get this show done in three hours or, as Martin Scorsese calls it, Act One.
