Amy Poehler and Tina Fey host the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards on January 13, 2013.
[Tina Fey]
Good evening! I’m Tina Fey.[Amy Poehler]
And I am Amy Poehler.[Tina Fey]
Welcome, everyone, to the 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards. Yes! Those of you at home, I wish you could feel the excitement in this room.[Amy Poehler]
You can smell the pills from here.[Tina Fey]
Tonight, we honor the television shows that have entertained us all year, as well as the films that have only been in theaters for two days.[Amy Poehler]
That’s what makes tonight so special: only at the Golden Globes do the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people of television. Speaking of, Tina and I are also both nominees tonight. And, thank you! And Tina, I just want to say that I very much hope that I win.[Tina Fey]
Oh, thank you. You’re my nemesis.[Amy Poehler]
Thank you.[Tina Fey]
Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is no longer technically in show business.[Amy Poehler]
We wanna assure you that we have no intention of being edgy or offensive tonight because as Ricky learned the hard way when you run afoul of the Hollywood Foreign Press, they make you host this show two more times.[Tina Fey]
Oh my Gosh, it was a great year for women. It was a great year for women in television. Lena Dunham is a double nominee tonight. Lena, we love your show.[Amy Poehler]
We are such fans.[Tina Fey]
But if they are forcing you to do all that nudity, you have to tell us, okay? Just give us some kind of signal and we will call child services. Wink? Or something? Okay.[Amy Poehler]
It was a great year for film, women in film. Kathryn Bigelow nominated tonight. I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.[Tina Fey]
Of course we wanna thank our hosts tonight, the HFPA, for having us. Amy, tell the people a little bit about the HFPA.[Amy Poehler]
Yes, Tina. Well, when left untreated HFPA can lead to cervical cancer. However, there is a vaccination…[Tina Fey]
Oh no, Amy, that’s HPV.[Amy Poehler]
Oh, I’m sorry, of course. The HFPA is the Hollywood Foreign Press Association and when left untreated…[Tina Fey]
No, she’s kidding. There is no known cure for the Hollywood Foreign Press. Look at all these gorgeous movie stars here tonight. Ben Affleck is here tonight. For Argo. Ben’s first two movies took place in Boston but he moved this one to Iran because he wanted to film somewhere that was friendlier to outsiders.[Amy Poehler]
Hi, Ben. Hi, how are you? You doing good, huh? I’m from Boston too. So you’re looking great, good for you. You’re not better than me.[Tina Fey]
The beautiful Anne Hathaway is here tonight. Anne Hathaway, you gave a stunning performance in Les Misérables. I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were on stage with James Franco at the Oscars. You know, Anne shot her big Les Mis song all in one tight close-up and she said that it was really difficult performing with a camera so close to her face.[Amy Poehler]
Well, then she’s never gonna make it in porn.[Tina Fey]
I don’t think she has any plans to do porn, Amy.[Amy Poehler]
None of us have plans to do porn.[Tina Fey]
Fair enough. The Hunger Games was one of the biggest films of the year and also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.[Amy Poehler]
Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for The Life of Pi, which is what I’m gonna call the six weeks after I take this dress off. Ok. Exhausting. Who else is here? Jennifer Lawrence is here, the star of Silver Linings Playbook.[Tina Fey]
Quentin Tarantino is here, the star of all my sexual nightmares.[Amy Poehler]
Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.[Tina Fey]
So good.[Amy Poehler]
So amazing.[Tina Fey]
She steals it. She steals the flu. Mandy Patinkin, from TV’s Homeland, is here.[Amy Poehler]
I like Homeland but I don’t think it’s as good as that other show “Previously on Homeland”. That thing is action-packed.[Tina Fey]
Now, you know, Mandy Patinkin is the star of Homeland but he’s also a treasure of the American musical theater. And if I were in charge of this show, which I have been told repeatedly I’m not, after every clip of Les Misérables I would cut to Mandy Patinkin because he knows if it’s good singing or bad and he won’t be able to hide it in his face. Watch, we will prove it.*Amy sings*
[Tina Fey]
Mandy Patinkin, did you like it?[Mandy Patinkin]
Incredible.[Amy Poehler]
Don’t lie to me, Mandy. Don’t lie to me. Julianne Moore is here tonight, nominated for playing Sarah Palin in Game Change.[Tina Fey]
Me too. I used to win prizes for that too. And you know, I think if governor Palin were here tonight, she’d say “You betcha”. No, I lost it. You betcha! No, I can’t do it anymore.[Amy Poehler]
Maybe it’s for the best.[Tina Fey]
Might be for the best.[Amy Poehler]
But enough silliness, Daniel Day-Lewis is here. Yes! His performance in Lincoln is so amazing, he is so method, he really disappears into his character.[Tina Fey]
Did you know that Lincoln was not the first role Daniel Day-Lewis played in a Steven Spielberg film?
[Amy Poehler]
Really? What else did he play?[Tina Fey]
ET.[Amy Poehler]
No. He was ET?[Tina Fey]
Yes, young Daniel Day-Lewis was ET.[Tina Fey & Amy Poehler (Together)]
Do the finger. Amazing.[Amy Poehler]
Amazing. That’s why he is the best. Amazing.[Tina Fey]
Alright. Let’s get this thing started. We’re gonna keep this moving and we promise we will wrap up by 11:00. Eleven Dark Thirty at the latest.
