Amy Poehler receives the Variety Power of Comedy Award at the Variety Power of Comedy event on November 19, 2011. Award presented by Will Ferrell.
Wow, thank you so much, wow, thank you. Thank you so much, Will. What a great evening. Thank you so much for coming everybody and for spending your money.
I’ve known Will Ferrell for many years. I’ve always been in awe of his talent. I remember actually when we met. It was my first week at Saturday Night Live and I peeked into his dressing room before a show and I told him how much I loved his work and he picked me up by my throat and he told me to never bother him when he was “finding Goulet”. Do you remember that? (Will Ferrell: I do. I remember like it was yesterday). And then he yelled at me “bring me my coffee and the trades”.
It’s just a real thrill to get this award from you, Will, because I know how much you hate female comedians and women in general, so, thank you. (Will Ferrell: as long as they don’t make as much money as we do, I’m fine with it). Thank you. Thank you, Will.
I just have to say thank you, I’m gonna keep this short. This has been my kind of night. It’s kind of hard to hear. Everything’s a little sloppy. The ceiling is too high but everybody’s heart is in the right place.
(Will Ferrell: It looks like a spaceship in here.) It does. It looks like a beautiful spaceship. It looks like a Battlestar Galactica orgy in here tonight. And I know that those chairs are super fucking uncomfortable cause I saw them when I came in and they were busted ass folding chairs, so congratulations on sitting in them for two and a half hours.
I wanna give a shout out to table one and all my Parks and Rec people up there and all my homies in the audience tonight. I wanna thank you to all the hilarious performers tonight. Everybody. Amazing. Especially my husband, Will, who managed to show my senior picture. It’s not a competition tonight but I do feel like Nick Kroll won. Doesn’t matter though. Doesn’t matter.
To all the wonderful people who did a video tonight. Thanks but no thanks. I know how hard it is. I know how easy it is to do a video. Videos are really easy. You can’t drag your ass down here and shake my hand in person, you’re dead to me. So I don’t care about your words and I don’t care about you.
But in all seriousness, it is an honor to be honored. I am I’m very happy to be included in this evening. Tonight is all about raising money and awareness for the Noreen Fraser foundation and yes, NFF. Noreen is an amazing individual and I’m happy to know her and be part of her evening.
The Variety Power of Comedy Award has a long and prestigious history, dating back to 2010. I am the first woman to win. Yes! It is about time! We’re really breaking down some barriers tonight, ladies. I can see the headline in Variety now: Lady get something while new Twilight pick score is a 135mill in BO for summit prexy. But I have to say I love Variety. I mean, I’m deeply touched by how far Variety will go to hang on to a subscriber. What other publication makes it possible for my extended family to learn how much money I make? Thank you, Variety.
But I just wanna say, I really am genuinely honored to be here tonight and to celebrate with so many wonderful people. I promise I will take this honor seriously and I’m gonna use my newly acquired power to create television shows that highlight issues important to women. So I wanna pitch a couple of shows to you. I have a couple ideas. I know there’s some network executives here tonight and I just want you to open up your ears and fucking take out your checkbooks cause these are amazing ideas.
Number one: stuntmen without shirts. I got some people over here that are interested in that. It’s just a documentary series where I ask Hollywood’s unsung heroes “hey, take your shirt off”. Thank you. It’s a labor of love.
Another show idea I have is “I really don’t give a how your fantasy football team is doing. Just take the kids somewhere”. You guys like that? It’s a wish fulfillment show. It’s pretty self-explanatory.
And finally I’d love to pitch to NBC, whoever is here tonight. I’d love to pitch a show called “that really hurts”. And it’s just a series that teaches couples how to improve communication in the bedroom. So anytime you wanna come up to me and talk to me about that. I have a lot of power now. And I can make that happen. I wanna take a meeting with you.
Yeah? Oh, thank you, my vibrator is here. Excuse me. Oh thanks. This is amazing. Thank you so much, you guys. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Don’t fucking make a joke out of it. Commit to it. There we go, there we go, there we go. Thank you, guys.
Thank you. But you know, I just wanna take a moment to thank everybody who paid money to be here tonight, who spent their well-earned money to join us tonight and to contribute to a great cause. There’s so many of you. I know it was like 300 and 200 and then 100 and then 55. I know your deal, everybody out here. And I thank you very much. You’re giving money to a good thing and you should feel good about yourselves.
I commend everyone here tonight who is raising awareness for women’s cancer issues. When cancer becomes a part of your life it’s important to turn to a community for support and I’m very proud to call myself part of this comedy community. A group of highly weird and self-involved nutbags, who are very secretly caring and kind. And you know who you are. Half of you I’ve seen naked, you motherfuckers.
But I know there are many people out here tonight who have struggled, whose family has struggled and are here tonight because of their history and relationship with cancer. And I just wanna say that I know for me, being part of a larger group made me feel a little less alone and the support and love that I got from everybody who performed here tonight is something I do not take for granted and I wish that feeling for everyone who is struggling with cancer, who has a family member struggling or who knows, someone who is dealing with it. I really wish for them that feeling of feeling connected to a bigger group, a larger part of themselves. My hope is that they remember that they’re not alone, that they are part of a bigger community and that people will fight hard for them when they don’t have the strength to do it themselves. Joke here. Thank you. Good night.